Today's blog is brought to you by utter depression and Alanis Morisette's song "Unsent". If you've never heard the song, I'm sorry for everything you have missed out in your life. This is essentially a copy of that, because, bitch, I do what I want!
Dear Jared, I'm sorry our relationship only lasted a week. And that I fully exploded the crazies on you during that time. But, in all honesty, I just dated you to make somebody else jealous (I'm not a nice person).
Dear Dan, I liked you too much. And I'm still a little weirded out by the fact that I used to sit outside your house, while listening to music that was too emo for my taste. We'll always have Dashboard. The best part?? You never saw me. Muah ha ha!
Dear Brian, we tried, we failed. But surprisingly, we are still friends...at least I hope. If not, we'll always be the Army of Darkness (and I'm not referring to the girl you dated before me. She was part of the Army of Darkness, the one I referred to as Heavy Metal parking lot.)
Dear Josh, you liked boys AND girls. For a 19 year old, that was way too much information. Way too much. And you married a woman who looks like a ferret bit her nose. Just sayin.
Dear David, I could have loved you. Really. I didn't mean to be so hurtful to you. I'm a bad person I guess. But you really shouldn't have left me with a mild concussion in the emergency tent just because you were on stage with The Dropkick Murphys. That part hurt worse than when I was kicked in the head.
Dear Chase, you lie. And you date girls who film "adult videos". Seriously?!?!
Dear Blake, you suck. Your girlfriend sucks. Your face sucks. I want to punch you and I'm glad you left. May what little you have left of your testicles (after your succubus came back to consume the rest) shrivel and die with your soul, which you sold to the devil. But if you ever come back...I still miss you.
Dear Jordan...yeah. You know, I know. I'm sorry. More sorry than you could ever understand. I'm a mess.
There are probably more, but these are my unsent letters. Or at least they would have been unsent had I not just decided to put them on the interwebz to be seen. Insanely enough, minus one, all these relationships ended because I'm batshit insane. And though I less than three and fully embrace the nuttiness, I kind of wish I was less of a nutjob. At least for ONE healthy relationship.
--Miss Thress
