So long, so sorry

It's been a hot minute since I touched this blog, mostly because my best friend and I have been working on our new website Beds, Bars, and Back Porches.  So far, it's working out pretty well, but we're still trying to fix all the kinks.  Recently, my insane best friend and I took a trip to Ohio, which caused me to realize a number of things

1. I am not invincible.  Alcohol does have an effect on me.  It not only causes the bar fights I have been in before, but random disappearances and a burning need to swear at the lady at McDonald's.  And then drive around and do it again.
2. I love going home, I feel like a damn celebrity when I do.  It's "Shleigh this" and "Hang out with me Shleigh!"  Also, the people from high school that never paid attention to me immediately love me.  I have become something foreign.
3. My best friend Rocio and I get into more insane situations than any two people I've ever met.  We're nuts.
4. I am a skilled liar who can get things she wants just by making people feel uncomfortable through these lies.  I'm awesome
5. Between me and 3 other girls, we can drink a dive bar out of beer in a matter of 5 hours.  And in Steubenville, they will deliver pizzas to said bar.
6. Lastly, it is 100% possible to celebrate your birthday for an entire month.  In fact, I encourage this.  If people say anything, look at them and say "I do want I want, bitch".  It throws them off and makes you feel slightly gangsta and lawd knows I see myself as a straight up G.

All in all, another epic vacation and another set of memories that I frankly don't remember!  Thank God for pictures of me riding the donkey!  We were finally reunited!

Dear [insert name here]

Today's blog is brought to you by utter depression and Alanis Morisette's song "Unsent".  If you've never heard the song, I'm sorry for everything you have missed out in your life.  This is essentially a copy of that, because, bitch, I do what I want!

Dear Jared, I'm sorry our relationship only lasted a week.  And that I fully exploded the crazies on you during that time.  But, in all honesty, I just dated you to make somebody else jealous (I'm not a nice person).

Dear Dan, I liked you too much.  And I'm still a little weirded out by the fact that I used to sit outside your house, while listening to music that was too emo for my taste.  We'll always have Dashboard.  The best part??  You never saw me.  Muah ha ha!
 

Dear Brian, we tried, we failed.  But surprisingly, we are still friends...at least I hope.  If not, we'll always be the Army of Darkness (and I'm not referring to the girl you dated before me.  She was part of the Army of Darkness, the one I referred to as Heavy Metal parking lot.)


Dear Josh, you liked boys AND girls.  For a 19 year old, that was way too much information.  Way too much.  And you married a woman who looks like a ferret bit her nose.  Just sayin.

Dear David, I could have loved you.  Really.  I didn't mean to be so hurtful to you.  I'm a bad person I guess.  But you really shouldn't have left me with a mild concussion in the emergency tent just because you were on stage with The Dropkick Murphys. That part hurt worse than when I was kicked in the head.

Dear Chase, you lie.  And you date girls who film "adult videos".   Seriously?!?!

Dear Blake, you suck.  Your girlfriend sucks.  Your face sucks. I want to punch you and I'm glad you left.  May what little you have left of your testicles (after your succubus came back to consume the rest) shrivel and die with your soul, which you sold to the devil.  But if you ever come back...I still miss you. 


Dear Jordan...yeah.  You know, I know.  I'm sorry.  More sorry than you could ever understand.  I'm a mess.

There are probably more, but these are my unsent letters.  Or at least they would have been unsent had I not just decided to put them on the interwebz to be seen.  Insanely enough, minus one, all these relationships ended because I'm batshit insane.  And though I less than three and fully embrace the nuttiness, I kind of wish I was less of a nutjob.  At least for ONE healthy relationship.

--Miss Thress

I'm not mean, I'm just misunderstood.

Today, I am happy.  Very happy.  Sickeningly happy.  Very few things put me in such a great mood.  So I'll have to explain why today was such an exceptional day.

1. PUMPKIN SPICE IS BACK AT STARBUCKS!!  This may not seem like anything to normal, non caffeine addicted people (who don't like pumpkin flavoring), but to me, this is like finding a freaking $100 bill at my feet that says "Ashleigh, do with me what you will! I'm all yours".  Okay, so I may be exaggerating, but probably not.  This means that fall is almost here and that I can buy all sorts of fall associated things (all of which contain pumpkin).  I almost cried.

2.  I finally got to yell at somebody!!  It felt so good to just be a bitch.  I need to embrace this more often.

3.  Here's the clincher to my happiness--I was passive aggressive in a big way.  Explanation:  In December, I started hanging out with this guy that I have liked for a while.  Things were going great, we went to Miami for my birthday and were pretty much attached at the hip.  Then, he decided to go back to his ex-girlfriend that cheated on me.  Okay, whatever, it's better to have loved and lost and all that nonsense.  But then, this girl has the BALLS to say some nasty shiz to me.  So, I still have a fair amount of his stuff and today was the last day that he was here before he took his munchkin skank back to Chicago.  I wore his favorite shirt and drove past him today.  Whilst burning a hole in it.  And flipping him off.  Like this

I'm a beeeyatch!!

SUCKA!!  And yes, it does in fact say the Vibrators (it's a band, for all the non-hipsters out there).

Literally, if I become any happier, I'll have to drown kittens just to balance out the Universe.

--Miss Thress

 

I have never, under any circumstance, whistled while I worked.

I hate when I'm in between jobs.  Even though I currently have one, I just don't want it, so mentally, I'm out of a job.  Though I know I shouldn't complain (the economy, unemployment on the rise, blah, blah, blah), That doesn't mean I can't complain.  And as complaining is one of my top 4 favorite things to do (the other three being lying, drinking coffee, and singing), that is what I shall do!

So here are the pros and cons of my job
Pros (might as well start positive and end with a bang!):

1. I start early, so I still have the rest of the day to do with as I please (i.e. drink coffee, watch hulu, sleep the important things).
2. I do enjoy 95% of the people I work with.  My 2 bosses have become like big brothers to me, something I've always wanted and never had.
3. I get to be independent.  This is important as I generally enjoy doing things alone.
4. Two words: Rolly Chair, nuff said.
5. ...The top four were enough.

Cons:

1.  I start early, meaning I can't stay out late.  Ever.
2.  I do a manager's work on a meager pay.  This includes, but is not limited to, being screamed at by customers, being screamed at by employees, being screamed at by anybody else who really wants to complain.
3.  Having to take responsibility for other people's problems.  This is why I have always preferred to work alone.  If I made a mess, I'll clean it up.  But now I'm forced to clean everybody's messes.  Ah, c'est la vie!
4.  Did I mention starting early?!?!  Seriously, I start at 5:30 am.  meaning I need to be awake by 4:30 am, just to sort of stumble in to work.
5.  ...I'm surprised, I really only have four major complaints about work.

So, yes, I would love a new job.  Or at least to get paid a bit better.  Might make putting those pearly whites on display slightly easier before the sun comes up.

Miss Thress